betterify.php

<?php

/*
Plugin Name: Betterify
Plugin URI: http://github.com/brashrebel/betterify
Description: Making WordPress websites...better.
Version: 0.2.1
Author: Kyle Maurer
Author URI: http://kyleblog.net
License: GPL2
*/

class Betterify {

	/**
	 * Declare a few properties...
	 *
	 * @var
	 */
	public $power;
	public $seo;
	public $errors;

	/**
	 * Implement our betterifying functionality
	 */
	public function __construct() {
		add_action( 'init', array( $this, 'errors' ) );
		add_action( 'wp_footer', array( $this, 'powerify' ) );
		add_filter( 'the_title', array( $this, 'titles' ) );
		add_action( 'wp_loaded', array( $this, 'make_bpa_free' ), PHP_INT_MAX );
	}

	/**
	 * Define awful...
	 */
	public function is_awful() {
		$awful = array(
			'mushrooms',
			'Twilight',
			'Kid Rock',
			'frost bite',
			'reality television',
			'papercuts',
			'terrorists',
			'Breaking the Internet',
			'haters',
			'flight cancellations'
		);

		return apply_filters( 'betterify_awful_things', $awful );
	}

	/**
	 * We can't have awful titles can we?
	 *
	 * @param $title
	 * @param null $id
	 *
	 * @return string
	 */
	public function titles( $title, $id = null ) {
		if ( method_exists( 'Betterify', 'is_awful' ) ) {
			if ( $title == $this->is_awful() ) {
				return '';
			} else {
				return $title;
			}
		} else {
			return $title;
		}
	}

	/**
	 * Now we shall fix anything that is broken
	 *
	 * @return string
	 */
	public function fixify() {
		if ( function_exists( magically_fix_all_the_things() ) ) {
			return 'Everything is fixed';
		} else {
			// It is all broken
			$broken_stuff = 'broken';
			// Not any more!
			$broken_stuff = 'not broken!';
		}
	}

	/**
	 * At this point, we are making WordPress MOAR POWERFUL!
	 */
	public function powerify() {
		$this->power = 0;
		// MOAR POWER!
		$moar  = apply_filters( 'betterify_moar_power', 10000000000000 );
		$power = $this->power + $moar;

		return '<!-- THE POWER IS NOW ' . $power . '! -->';
	}

	/**
	 * Let's talk SEO!!!
	 *
	 * @return string
	 */
	public function googlify() {
		return '???????';
	}

	/**
	 * Now let's optimize!
	 *
	 * @return string
	 */
	public function optimizify() {
		if ( $this->seo != $this->googlify() ) {
			return 'You shall rank!';
		} else {
			return 'You shall not rank!';
		}
	}

	/**
	 * Increase the overall website speed
	 */
	public function speedify() {
		if ( ! defined( 'WP_SPEED_INCREASE' ) ) {
			define( 'WP_SPEED_INCREASE', 1337 );
		} else {
			return 'WordPress is up to its maximum speed!';
		}
	}

	/**
	 * Enhance the website design
	 */
	public function sexify() {
		if ( get_option( 'website_is_sexy' ) == true ) {
			return 'Even my mum liked it.';
		} else {
			update_option( 'website_is_sexy', 'enable_8_bit' );
		}
	}

	/**
	 * Conflicts suck. Let's nullify them.
	 */
	public function conflictify() {
		$conflicts = 'bad';
		if ( $conflicts == 'bad' ) {
			$conflicts = null;
		} else {
			return;
		}
	}

	/**
	 * We all know BPAs are bad. We should remove them if we find them.
	 */
	public function make_bpa_free() {
		// Remove Any BPAs that have been added to WordPress by plugins and themes
		// We do this with no return, silently making everyone healthier. No need to boast.

		remove_action( 'wp', 'bpa', 2430 );
	}

	/**
	 * Fix all errors
	 */
	public function errors() {
		if ( $this->errors ) {
			$this->errors = null;
		}
	}

	private function securify( $code_word ) {

		// For added security, let's employ a bouncer
		if ( ! defined( 'WP_BOUNCER' ) ) {
			define( 'WP_BOUNCER', 'Big Jake' );
		}
		$access = get_option( $code_word );

		// Have Big Jake check the code word before granting access
		if ( $access == apply_filters( 'big_jake', $code_word ) ) {
			$access = true;
			return $access;
		} else {
			$access = false;
			return $access . 'FACE PUNCH!';
		}
	}
	
	/**
	 * Objectification of Everything.  It's not as bad as it sounds.
	 * @param Man|Woman $person
	 * @return mixed
	 */
	private function objectify( $person ) {
		//The best way to objectify someone: make them an object.
		return json_decode(json_encode($val), FALSE);
	}
}

$betterify = new Betterify();